SOMETHING TO TELL THE PEOPLE OF EDMONTON?



Please be sensitive to infertility

I know you mean well. I know telling me things like “well at least you have a good job and as nice house” is intended to make me feel better about my situation. I’m not angry about your attempts to cheer me up.

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What I am – is heartbroken.

Yes I have a good job – with which I have bought a closet’s worth of baby stuff I may never get to use.

Yes I have a nice place – which rings with emptiness every single day when I come home.

Yes I have an amazing husband – and it breaks my heart every single that I may never get to tell him he’s going to be a father. Something he desperately wants.

ANOTHER POST:  Reminder: Treat Others as You Would Like to be Treated; Comment with Respect

I reminded every day that I am broken. That I can’t do the one thing a woman is supposed to do. Especially today (Father’s Day) is killing me. We turned off the TV and stayed off Facebook because we can’t stand to see all the commercials and posts about new babies. Mother’s Day is just as heartbreaking.

please – when you are talking to someone suffering infertility, please do not dismiss their pain. Even if you do not understand it, don’t dismiss. It is a very real pain. There is nothing like it.

Please just be supportive, and understanding. Being told “it could be worse” doesn’t fill the hole in my heart.


SOMETHING TO TELL THE PEOPLE OF EDMONTON?

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99 thoughts on “Please be sensitive to infertility

    1. That’s a pretty unhelpful thing to say to someone going through infertility. Adoption isn’t an option for families for a multitude of reasons, and while I know you mean well, to have it suggested as a solution by a stranger is just not nice.

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    2. It’s actually a very long and very expensive process to adopt Jackie. And I’m sure referring to it as “new age recycling” isn’t hurtful at all

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    3. A little knowledge on a subject goes a long. Not only is it expensive and a lengthy process there are many things that prevent a person from being approved for adoption.

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    4. They’re complaining about not being able to have kids. I think thats pretty selfish when theres how many unwanted kids growing up on this planet at this very minute. If they wanted them that bad, they would work towards adopting or even fostering instead of complaining on social medie

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    5. I know people who are waiting for a child to adopt and have been waiting for a long time.

      There isn’t as much “recycling” going on as you would think. And it’s also a difficult process.

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    6. Ive met kids who are being raised in a home where they arent wanted, it fucks the kids up beyond repair. But lets not try to save existing life on this planet, just bring more people on it to contrinute to the over population problem thats starting

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    7. Yes looking for support. Not looking for someone to minimize what they are going through. Maybe adoption will be a good option for this family down the road, but they need to get to that place on their own and grieve the loss of having a biological child if that turns out to be an impossibility. People don’t realise how many feelings a couple experiences when going through this type of loss. It isn’t easy and there isn’t a one size fits all solution.

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    8. I think you are also unaware the waitlist for adoptions is often 2-10 years. That is a long time to have an empty home.
      Not to mention – OP didn’t say she was or wasn’t looking at adoption. Maybe she was.
      Being turned away from adoption, or finding out it will take years is just as hurtful and finding out you cant reproduce.

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    9. If we can’t say anything in response without it being ‘hurtful’ why not go talk to a support group? You’re asking the internet to know what people need to hear to feel better & getting mad at them for not knowing.

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    10. I agree with Jackie and they should focus on adopting. Why does it have to be your flesh and blood. If you have that much money time and energy to put into fixing something that may not be fixable, put it towards adoption. Sick of selfish people.

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    11. Shi-anne Jossy speaking from personal experience, the moment they hand you your chosen baby-that baby totally becomes “your own child” and nothing less. Love for your child has no boundaries whether they grew in your stomache or grew in your heart.❤️

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  1. Hey OP, I too understand this journey. I’m so sorry you find yourself in the midst of infertility ❤️ you are in my thoughts and on my heart today.

    To everyone commenting, please try to remember that even though someone might be infertile they still live in 2017 and they know all about the many amazing ways to grow a family, they won’t choose the one you think they should because you try to guilt or persuade them into it on FB, but everyone could always use more kindness and empathy. This would be a great resource to consider prior to giving unsolicited advice:

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    1. You know the problem with these lists of “Things not to say” it stifles any conversation , it shames people who are only trying to be genuinely concerned. We are all not programmed to say the “Right” thing. Everyone one has sensitive issues to deal with but in reality most people have no idea what to say. People need to stop being offended by everything

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    2. It’s not about being offended by anything, but it is about recognizing that by elevating the language we choose to engage a conversation with, the conversation will be more productive and more impactful than if we choose insensitive, dismissive or divisive rhetoric. I truly believe that awareness breeds understanding, and that when we say ‘hey this actually isn’t helpful’ we create a more collaborative, compassionate space for debate and productive conversations to occur. Kindness and empathy matter, perhaps most of all.

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    3. If you are genuinely concerned and want to help, there are ways to have a conversation to see where they’re at without pushing your points. Asking “what are your thoughts about other means of conceiving or having a child?” will let you know where they’re at with their plans. The subject doesn’t have to be taboo; people just don’t necessarily appreciate your ideas/opinions being thrown at them because they are making the choices they are following for a reason, and couples who have difficulty conceiving have considered other alternatives. They just might not be willing to employ any of those alternatives. I have known couples who would rather have no children than use alternate means if they couldn’t naturally conceive. To each their own.

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    4. Leslie Young People also need to stop assuming they know what the problem is. What I find beneficial about the what not to say lists is that every point on the list has already been talk about in great depth with your spouse, doctors, parents, siblings, etc etc. So having someone who does not know your situation start making assumptions is rude and disrespectful and quite honestly none of their business. There is much more to talk about.

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    5. If we can’t try find a positive for the person or try to encourage other solutions, then what does someone in that situation really want someone to say? What are we supposed to say other than I’m sorry? Sorry doesn’t make it better.

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    6. I don’t think anyone opens up such a vulnerable piece of their story because they want anyone else to make it better, but rather just to share what they are going through. You can’t make it better, that’s impossible, but you can be someone to lean on, a listening ear and a caring confidante. The best thing you can say is ‘I’m so sorry to hear that, how can I be supportive for you through this difficult time?’

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  2. My heart goes out to you and I am so sorry for the struggles you are experiencing. That being said, have you ever thought of looking into surrogacy? Definitely not the same as carrying your child yourself I know, but at the end of the day the result is the same ☺ I’ve been blessed to have children of my own but am hoping to be able to carry one more for someone who can’t once I’m done with my current pregnancy. …people seem to think I’m crazy for wanting to do something like that, but it’s stories like yours that make it so easy to want to help someone who deserves this precious gift. *virtual hugs to you and your family * ♡♡♡

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  3. My heart aches reading this. I have been there. The pain and depression will never go away. If you need someone to chat with or cry with, pm me. It is too lonely a journey for a couple to go at alone.

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  4. My wife and I went through the same thing, with a difference. Going for fertility tests, we found out it was ME who was the deciding factor. The doc then told us something that hurt me more than the actual bad news. “Rene, it is you who is DEFECTIVE. Your wifes test results show she is actually perfect to carry a baby”. Ouch. It will always hurt, but when we found out that being a parent wasn’t the meaning of life, but being a GOOD HUMAN BEING was, we focused our energy on something that we could be proud of. In essence, we created our own legacy. Something we hope, people will remember us for. Like you would have with a child, pour your hearts into something you’re proud of. Something you will cherish. It won’t be the same, but it’s something. I’m sorry you and your husband are going through this. I’m sorry you will encounter people with insensitive comments (I once had a former friend tell me I was selfish for not being able to give my wife the gift of a child). We have dogs now and that still makes me a Dad and people recognize that now. It doesn’t have to be blood to be a parent.

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  5. Everyone needs to stop the “it could be worse” crap! Of COURSE it can be worse! You don’t think I don’t know this!! You’re only dismissing the person’s pain by saying this. Telling them their emotions and feelings aren’t valid! It’s enough.

    Sorry your going through this. I pray you find peace.

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    1. Kristy and OP, Thank you for stating this. I admit I am someone who says ‘it could be worse’ to people to help cheer them up in their struggles and pain because that is how I deal with my own pain a lot of time. I now realize that it isn’t always the best thing to say to others. People just want to be heard and believed and not have their pain swept under the rug.

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    2. “It could be worse” is the most trite, meaningless, and insensitive comment anyone can make to someone going through a difficult time. Well of course it could be worse – by that logic, no one should ever get upset by anything ever because it could ALWAYS be worse, for everybody, no matter what they’re going through. There is no limit in life to how bad something can get. I think people say this simply because they don’t know what to say or they’re not comfortable with the resulting emotions. To them, this is an attempt to reduce the seriousness of the situation while trying to make them feel better. It doesn’t.
      If you don’t know what to say, simply saying “I’m sorry you’re struggling and I hope things get better for you soon” will suffice. People want to know that they were heard and that you care. You can’t fix their situation for them, and if you’ve never experienced the situation yourself, you can’t pretend to know what they’re going through. But you can be sympathetic and supportive, and in many cases, that’s all the struggling person wants.

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  6. It’s hard I totally agree. I went through several iuis and ultimately ended up doing ivf. We are very blessed with 2 beautiful babies. But the pain of infertility is hard and so so consuming.

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  7. I know the feelings you are talking about. We have been trying for 7 years. I’m wanting to go for a surrogate mother but it seems impossible to get financial support from even friends and family. I don’t have 60,000$ and don’t make enough to earn that extra in 10 years. I don’t even know how to get Edmonton or big groups to know that I and many others need help and if 60,000 people at a concert or what ever gave just 1$ each someone could have a baby of their own. People spend money on a special coffee or $75+ on a concert etc. Just imagine how many people could have babies if these people sacrificed just that one time. I don’t go to concerts, movies, holidays, buy nice clothes or anything much at all for myself. I hurt every day because I can’t even fulfill my womanly function. What if they were in our shoes? What would they like from fellow people? What good am I if I can’t conceive, I tell myself. So ya I hear you!

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  8. It is so hard. I have been told I can have children but there are challenges because chemo messed with my system and I have two hip replacements. My husband has not gotten tested as we are both afraid it may be him that is the reason we haven’t had children. We have been trying for almost 15 years. We have talked about possibly adopting. It hurts the most when friends get pregnant and some of them rub it in my face. It’s very hard and painful to go through. You aren’t alone. ❤

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  9. Some people have a shit job where their boss cheats them every day. Some people are homeless. Some people are orphans. Some people had a child and it died. We all have sorrows. We need to be kinder to everyone, for whatever reason. However.. to say that having a kid is the one thing a woman is supposed to do is crap!!!

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    1. To be fair, biologically it is what we are MADE to do. We are made to continue on the human race.
      If we choose that or not is totally different.
      So yes, women are supposed to be ABLE to have children. And ABLE to have the choice.
      So OP made the choice to have children, and to have her body fail her in heartbreaking.

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  10. Not sure the steps youve taken but our fertility clinic is amazing. Long wait list unfortunately. My doctor also offered to send a referral to Victoria as theyre waitlist is shorter.

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  11. I am so sorry to read this. While I have a health 3 year old daughter (healthly pregnancy) we also are having infertility issues ourselves (lose a tude due to tudal pregnancy/miscarriage). It is hard. Everyone says to be happy that i have one but i always thought i would have more.

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  12. I am confused at all the people who say “Well maybe you should consider adoption” or have you tried IVF? Or whatever else.
    I am fairly certain if OP is that distressed about her situation that she has already looked into ALL of those options.
    Not to mention, when you apply to adopt a good majority of kids are older/disabled/etc. Maybe that isn’t what OP is willing to deal with.
    I have looked into adoptions and was straight up told that unless I was willing to take a child with severe disabilities I would be on a waitlist for 4-10 years.

    Kudos to the people who CAN raise children like that. I am not strong enough for that personally.

    Yes it could be worse, but you know what, to OP this is the worst it could be. We all have different “worsts”. The point of her posts is not dismiss her “worst” because it isn’t your “Worst”

    And yes – women are supposed to be ABLE to have children. If you choose not to that’s one thing. But when you WANT children, and you are biologically supposed to be able to do it easily and everyone around you is doing it easily, it makes you feel broken and worthless.

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    1. And just like you I can’t understand why you would say ” kudos to the people who can raise a child like that I’m not strong enough personally”. Here’s the thing when you have a child there’s a chance of having a child with a disability so when you say “you can’t” that’s not actually true it’s more of a “I won’t”. I was once told i wouldn’t have kids I wanted to be mother badly for me it didn’t matter if the child was older or had a disability I would still get my dream to be a mother. I got blessed though with my own. Well I feel for those who can’t have their own i after all remember how devastated I was to be told I wouldn’t have my own. I also think putting limits on yourself like you have also only makes you suffer more. But that’s a choice you make. And if you want to pick and choose what type of child you get well yes that comes with a wait list. before you ask I do have a child with disabilities and even though it’s difficult I’ll tell you something he’s the most amazing child for me he taught me many things about being a parent and about life. Remember this “a child like that” can teach you many things. And well you view them as “a child like that” some of us view them as just a human being who has strengths and weaknesses just like everyone else.

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    2. Rose Mary Mitchell I know I’m not strong enough to do it because I’ve done it. I spent a year as a live in nanny to disabled child and I can’t emotionally or mentally handle it. I would never choose that for myself.
      But I hold the people who choose that life in very high regard.
      The world needs people like them.
      Maybe it would have been a different experience had it been my child, but it wasnt.
      So for my personal experience and decisions I would never choose that life.

      Just my life choices

      So your right.

      I won’t – because I can’t

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    3. So what would you have done if you gave birth to such a child? If you did you would raise it with love, right. So that is just not right. Maybe you dont deserve a child.

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    4. Wow – telling someone they don’t deserve a child is pretty cold,

      Notice I said “I wouldn’t CHOOSE that life”.

      Neither would you.

      You cannot tell me if given the choice between a perfectly healthy child, and child with some disabilities you would choice the sick child?

      I personally, would choose to terminate an unviable pregnancy. My choice

      If it was something we couldn’t catch pre-term, well then yes. I didn’t had a choice, so I would raise it with love.

      But no human in their right mind would choose an unhealthy child over a healthy one.

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    5. If I couldn’t have children I sure as hell would choose a child with disabilities. You are the cold and uncaring one. They didn’t ask to be born, they need love. Well all I can say is nature has its way of weeding out the ones that shouldn’t be parents. I’m not saying that everyone that can’t have kids deserve it, I’m saying with your shit attitude you don’t deserve a child.

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  13. I could have written this myself. We suffer from infertility and although we have been blessed with two miracles, I know those feelings all too well. There are a couple really good support groups on fb- feel free to pm me and I can add you.

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  14. I completely understand what you are going through. We have been trying for years. We are just getting the ball moving on fertility testing but it sucks when you’re late and it gets your hopes up, or when someone asks when are you going to make your mother a grandmother, it’s hard.

    Then, someone says, you could adopt or foster… and they are right, but that takes years and lots of time and classes and lots of money… when i’d rather just carry my own child. To feel that unborn life within and know that your life will change when they are born. It’s hard, and I’m hoping that the day will come that I can celebrate with my husband, friends and family.

    I have to focus on building my business and loving my husband.

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    1. Exactly.

      Having a kid, natural, in vitro or through adoption is all an expensive venture. If money is an issue & you don’t think it’s as expensive to birth a child never took into consideration what it will cost to raise one until they leave your house.

      It all costs money so if you really want a kid, You really want to feel like a mom or dad, adoption & in vitro should work.

      I really feel like people just get discouraged & say they can’t do things because they feel it’s impossible. It’s not.

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    2. It costs nothing to birth a child. That’s the beauty of living in a country with social healthcare. It costs a lot to raise a child, yes. But do you know that each round of ivf costs around 15k? Adoption is 10-20k. Most people can’t afford that kind of expense all at once. And to suggest that they can’t afford to raise children because of that fact is naive.

      Ivf isn’t an option for a lot of people going through infertility. Or maybe they’ve already paid out for multiple rounds and can’t afford the adoption fees after that.

      Nobody is dismissing the role of adoptive parents or the bond that they have with their children, but it’s not a cure for infertility.

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  15. I know you don’t want to hear about adoption. But go on the government website about children in their care, I cry every time I look at them. These children need a good family to love them, many of them are abused and would be in heaven if they got adopted. You can help them!
    I use to go on it when I wanted to adopt, this was over 5 years ago. I went on it recently again, 5 years later and I see alot of the same children, I felt so sad for them.

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  16. Oh OP! I just took part in an infant loss/infertility issue photo/video shoot by a local photographer. I have experienced two miscarriages. I stressed that each time my heart broke… my body couldn’t do what I was born to do! I’m not going to say anything more to you but I understand the despair you’re feeling.

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  17. I do understand that people don’t usually say something out of malice, and that usually they are trying to help. But the original poster wasn’t asking for help or advice, she was actually advising people how she feels and letting them know what she needs. Those who are saying that ivf or adoption suggestions aren’t helpful are just trying to let you know why those suggestions might not be helpful for someone in the thick of dealing with infertility. The best thing you can do for someone if you can’t relate is just be there and tell them that you’re sorry for what they are going through. You probably can’t fix the problem, but allowing the person to work through it and being there to support those feelings is the most helpful thing.

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  18. My husband and I can’t have children I have a blood disorder as well as Pcos it’s sad that the one thing you want desperate you can’t have. It kills me inside ever year that passes Its my 34th birthday today and I feel this pain everyday.

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  19. I’m so sorry for this, OP. You sound like you’d be both amazing parents. I hope you seriously consider adoption. There are some great kids out there that need good homes, and I’m sure you could do that.

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    1. I am a FP I can assure you the majority these kids are loved and wanted by their parents. It’s other factors like parental drug abuse that have led to apprehension. Government mandate is to 1. reunify with parent(s) 2. Kinship home 3. Adoption. Being a foster parents means being able to say goodbye to a child you may have had for days months, or years. You may have raised a child from birth and have them leave and it could be with very little warning. It means dealing with multiple people, case workers, csd workers, lawyers, therapists, bio families etc. It’s a lot of work and heartache and tbh people (the public) often generalize that we are terrible people in it for money. It is not something i would do with the intention of starting my family that way. I went through infertility and loss, had one bio, adopted from the system then became a fp. after all we went through and managed to survive I figured we were strong enough for it.

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  20. There are a lot of kids in the foster care system that would love to fill that hole… in no way do I wish to make light of your suffering, but imagine feeling what you feel, but as a child yearning for a parent/family, and the joy it would give you to not only have a child, but to know so well the pain you are relieving.
    I hope you find what you are missing, and that your friends realize that it doesn’t matter how much bread you have, if you have no water, you still suffer and die! Having some good things doesn’t negate the need for other things!
    http://www.humanservices.alberta.ca/foster-kinship-care/14908.html

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    1. Not true, and my family has adopted several times over the years, never with any problem.
      Please don’t dissuade people from adoption because of one aberrant anecdote.

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    2. I’m sure you mean well but this comment is hurtful to those suffering infertility. They KNOW foster/adoption exists. If they wanted to go that route they would. Some people want a child they made and we need to support them in their grief when they’re unable to do that.

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    3. Have you ever tried to adopt? It’s expensive, and even if you get to adopt a child it can be ripped from you hands if the paternal parents change their mind even if it’s not what’s best for the child.

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