SOMETHING TO TELL THE PEOPLE OF EDMONTON?



Replying to the man who messed up

My husband was one of the people that posted on here. He messed up and wants to fix it so his wife doesn’t leave.

STORY CONTINUES BELOW

I am the wife (there were several posts so not sure how many guys have been jerks).

I love this man. We have a commitment marriage and children. What he can’t control is his temper that he thinks should be forgiven.
And after years of it, I can’t do it.

He was nicest guy ever. Then life threw some stuff. He started to blow up at every tiny thing. He would get physical – nothing big but maybe just throw a chair down- then he blacks out and does not remember. When this escalated because he hit me, I left him. That was 12 years ago.
He apologized, he went to counselling and anger management. It seemed to help so after a year separation, we got back together. They just don’t know why he blacks out like that.
I gave him a chance. I shouldn’t bit did. I said one chance.
Last 3 years, his temper started to go up again. Yes we went to psychologists who said they can’t help because they don’t know what causes that. And I was there, the wife who loves him.
2 days ago he picked up a wood object and hit me to a point where walking is a struggle. He blacked out and doesn’t remember it.

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So I put my foot down. I am glad the kids never saw this but I can’t be an example of this anymore. Not remembering is not a reason to stay. He takes zero responsibility for these. In fact after blacking out, he does a poor me thing and wants to talk and be taken care of – what about what he did to me?

I deserve better. To know I can disagree, I can go day to day without worrying about his temper. And again, the apology was very crappy. No big gestures of saying he was sorry, no promise to what he will do differently. Just that he feels bad for what he doesn’t remember.
I can’t do it. I can’t forgive or forget. All has been tried – counselling, medication, anger management and separation. I am tired of all this. Yes he is faithful but his love is painful literally. I am crying as I write this but I have no forgiveness or patience left.


SOMETHING TO TELL THE PEOPLE OF EDMONTON?

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148 thoughts on “Replying to the man who messed up

  1. Marriage is for better for worst. You can’t run away from your husband now that he needs you most. He is going through a spiritual problem and you need to seek the face of God ok. No psychologist nor any medicine on Earth will do him any good. Cry to God if you really love him and He will see you true. “He who runs to fight today will live to fight another day”

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    1. Awambeng Chris I’ve chosen to be common law with my partner of eleven years. Our relationship is built on love, respect, trust, tenderness, support, encouragement, equality and commitment. I was abused as a child, by a man who got black out drunk and once beat me black and blue with a curtain rod. That was just the middle years. My mother’s commitment to her marriage saved no one any hardship, sowed seeds of resentment and had long lasting effects on our lives. Talk about what you actually know. Not what the church tells you.

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    2. There’s never ANY reason good enough to justify a man hitting a woman. Only a coward does such things. the only way the bible will help is if he were to be close to death and saw Jesus. I doubt Jesus said it was OK for a man to hit a woman. Please quote the scripture that says this is ok

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    3. Yup he is going through a spiritual problem alright. There are 2 deal breakers in a marriage. 1. Addiction 2. Abuse and what about his vow to PROTECT?? HONOUR?? He can slide on that?? He can pray to God and fix it himself… alone… without the wife he failed.

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    4. Umm. No. Not ok to defer ANY violence to an excuse. If you want a religious argument, God gave us free will. Dude needs more than Jesus here, he need therapy to figure out what triggers him, how to prevent it, and how to come to terms with owning his actions. Full stop. No human on earth needs to stay because someone else can’t take responsibility for his/her actions. Ever.

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    5. I’m not in support of his actions on her. It’s too bad for a man to hit a lady no matter the reason. What I’m saying is he is going through a spiritual problem on like people go through physical probs and get cured by taking medication, his case needs God’s intervention. How do we feel running from people we once loved? Even if they have become animals like the case here there most be a way out and the only way out here is Jesus.

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    6. Sherry Goguen fighting a spiritual battle does not necessarily mean she continue living with him. She can go somewhere for a while while doing that and both can only meet when necessary

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    7. Mental? Nah, that’s a brain issue. He needs a CT and a qualified doc. Screams of a tumor. As for God, HE does not condone hitting His Children, he does condone divorcing them if they do. Don’t cherry pick, Dad will make the judgement, not you.

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    8. Awambeng Chris obviously it has not happened to you.. Maybe you should take her place and play god there, idiot stick..to stay, is to say it’s ok..

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    9. Christa can I ask you a question? When you were being asked the question if you accept your spouse for better or for worst and you said ”yes” what where u thinking about that?

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    10. I think she is the one to make her choice. My opinion is not in anyway harmful. It depends how you see it. At the end of the day she has a choice to make

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    11. Christa I’m really sorry about that. I can imagine it wasn’t so easy with you. I don’t talk what my church tells me, I talk what my God tells me through His word in the bible. We all have our life experiences and the ways we tackled them. I smoked weed for 8 years until Jesus delivered me . I have been through shit you won’t understand. So me talking out of experience too

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    12. God isnt listening and he doesnt give a good goddamn abouy ANY of us. She shouldnt have to stay with a man who beats her because of words, words are hollow in the mouth of an abusive man or woman. You read how many times he promised hed change and how sorry he was and then beat her again??

      Its shit and she shouldnt have to stay because of stupid ass vows. What happens when he “blacks out” again and beats her to death?? Where would your fucking god be then?? Oh right, not caring.

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    13. God isnt listening and he doesnt give a good goddamn abouy ANY of us. She shouldnt have to stay with a man who beats her because of words, words are hollow in the mouth of an abusive man or woman. You read how many times he promised hed change and how sorry he was and then beat her again??

      Its shit and she shouldnt have to stay because of stupid ass vows. What happens when he “blacks out” again and beats her to death?? Where would your fucking god be then?? Oh right, not caring.

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  2. I often think people use the term “blacked out” as a shitty excuse…take care of yourself and you children first get help for you and the kids even though they never “see” it they know.

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    1. Would an otherwise normal rational person not recognize the onset of anger / anxiety and remove themselves from the situation before they hurt the person they “love”. Claiming a blackout after the fact definitely seems to be an excuse. The truth is probably that they know how despicable their actions are and choose to “forget” to avoid self-loathing.

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    2. Actually no. My husband has black out episodes. It took 3 strokes and 8 years now to finally figure out it was a type of a diabetic reaction. He would lose temper or the opposite – be the nicest guy. But he would not know it. Eventually he collapsed on the floor and would not wake up for 2-3 hours. So black outs can be a medical issue

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  3. so sorry that this is happening but you have to leave. Your safety and that of your children is at stake.. sure he can be nice and “doesn’t” remember… he could have a black out episode and murder one of the kids.. what will you do then?!?!

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    1. My ex saw red too he had ptsd and intermitant rage disorder..meds helped if he took them but he never did reg so after 8 yrs I left..when you have the tools and ignore them its no longer your disorder its abuse

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    2. My ex did. He described it as seeing red and everything else went dark. He would just rage. He honestly didn’t remember the things he would do or say to me.

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  4. An apology for bad behaviour with an excuse attached is NOT an apology, it’s just his method of making a veiled arrangement for you and your children to continue to accept his bad behaviour. Don’t walk away… run! Been there.

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  5. He could be blacking out because of his blood pressure skyrocketing or plummeting during these incidents. He needs to have a full complete medical examination (including a scan of his brain). That does NOT mean you have to stay! I’d personally go to One of the women’s shelters and give him an ultimatum that he needs to see a physician AND BE HONEST about his abusing you and blacking out. Most abusive men are good at manipulating and lying or only telling “half truths”. Even if you decide to stay, this isn’t going to fix itself or get better in a year. It’s an ongoing process of individual counselling, marriage counselling and anger management counselling (for him). I can say all this because I’ve been in the same situation. I also work at a local hospital and know that severe high or low blood pressure can cause blackouts. In the end it doesn’t justify the way he treats you.

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  6. Leave. Most of us that have been in your shoes don’t and every one of them regrets it. You deserve better, you deserve comfort, and the moment you start thinking of leaving an abusive relationship is the moment you should leave.

    They don’t change, only the situation does.

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  7. Run. Don’t look back, don’t pity. Focus on you, your healing. Let the kids work through their feelings.
    It’s never ok, and he should have been obsessed with a medical diagnosis and cure. Not self pity.

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  8. You’re making the right choice. Don’t demonize him, but also don’t be a punching bag. And if he hasn’t had an MRI, get him one. He may need to literally get his head examined

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  9. As someone who finally left a abusive marriage with 4 kids….dont go back ( I did, too many times, but eventually left for good). I also see people I love go in & out of the same abusive relationship & its heartbreaking. Not only because the woman deserves better, but the children who have no choice in the matter, should have a parent who is willing to say enough is enough. I wish you strength and happiness.

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  10. Please, carry on in removing him from your life. Your safety and your children’s wellbeing is the most important thing. Take care. Love, huge hugs and best wishes.

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    1. Here’s a news flash — maybe re-read her comment, he’s already been to anger management and counselling. It doesn’t hurt to get opinions from people who aren’t related or closely involved.

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  11. I’m truly sorry you are experiencing this. Never a fun time. If he has physically hurt you to the point of having problems walking, then you must leave. There is no him changing. There is no him controlling his anger(maybe not the right doctors? There has to a medical reason or if one cannot be found then he must be able to have control mechanism in place. Blackouts our not. LEAVE LIKE A GHOST IS SAYING GGGGGEEEEETT OUUUT. DONT LOOK BACK. CALL THE TODAY CENTRE or support network now. Good luck to you in your new you adventure.

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  12. Good for you! Be strong and totally turn your back. I was in the exact same relationship many yrs ago. His second wife left him for the exact same reason. Leave and don’t look back no matter how many tears and gifts he gives you. You AND your kids deserve so much better.

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  13. So sorry I did and what a mistake I am the one he blames he’s a I don’t remember / Narc / cheating / liar / bully and that will never change so plz look after ourselves our children.

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  14. Your kids will still need help and counselling years after witnessing such abuse. There is something about a man when he blacks out, they have dead eyes and they can kill you. Glad you are getting out.

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  15. You did the right thing. You tried and left when you had to. I imagine that was hard, but probably for the best.
    Many couldn’t leave. I hope you fond peace and happiness in life.

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  16. Leave it maybe hard but u’res and the kids safety and health are more important than his excuses that he blackout l left a relationship cause of his blackout his was do to alcohol I be been out for two years he tried everything to get me come back but not a chance that I would go back and get abused again

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  17. I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this. Even if there was a justified medical reason you can’t keep yourself in a dangerous situation like this. You’re a strong woman and I’m sure you know how important it is for your kids to see you stick up for yourself and your happiness. You take good care of yourself and if you ever need a friend send me a PM.

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  18. He sounds like he needs to spend some time in a psychiatric hospital to treat his mental illness. He’s sick. And you and your children need to stay far away from him for your own safety. As you say, you’ve been there for him and tried everything. His pleas should be for professional help, not for you to come back and be a target for his abuse. If he really wanted to stop, he’d be checking himself into a mental health facility to deal with his issues so he’s no longer a danger to his wife and children. He needs to own up to the fact he is a risk, regardless if he can control it right now or not.

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  19. I am so sorry for you, but you have to take care of yourself first. You can’t help someone like that. He can’t be with anyone if he is violent. Period. Get some professional help for yourself.
    Good luck.

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  20. Should she just give him one more chance and the next time he blacks out he kills her? Then the children are left wit nothing! That’s where staying together for better or worst will get her!

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  21. Yes, ‘blackouts’ are a lame excuse, especially if only happens in moments of rage with you. If it were all the time, then a neurologist is needed. Take care of you, put yourself first so you can take care of your children.

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  22. I call BULLSHIT on the blackouts. He conveniently has them when he is abusing you. Charge him and save yourself. He may have a medical problem but my guess as a woman who has recently left an abusive marriage is that he is perfectly fine and he is simply an abusive asshole. Google Narcissistic Personality Disorder and keep reading. I am guessing that you will see a lot of his ugly traits described there as well as the tactics he uses when he is feigning innocence. The #1 cause of murder to women is trying to leave their abusive partners. Go to the Police, charge him, get an Emergency Protection Order and save yourself and your children. He enjoys the whole thing FYI.

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  23. You are a brave woman. You left & will be able to raise your children & live your life. No one should ever lay a hand on you or your children. You are strong & An example to your children. He cannot be in your life. Love doesn’t hurt.

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  24. He hit you. He feels little remorse, makes excuses. What if he blacks out and hits one of your kids?
    Get out of there! Go to a women’s shelter! You and your kids deserve better!!!

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  25. You have given him more chances than you should have. No woman deserves to be abused and it’s showing the kids that it’s ok to treat the person you’re supposed to love that way. Love shouldn’t be painful. Move on and stay strong!

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  26. you sound like you have tried your best black outs he doesn’t remember not sure thats true you are right you can’t keep doing this, for your sake and the kids I would make a new life for myself.. good luck I am on your side.

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  27. My dear, you need to leave for your own safety and sanity. You are no help to him playing his victim when he rages. You are no help to your children if they see this behaviour as normal. You are no help to yourself if you cannot stand up to him and defend you and your children. I’m sorry he is going through this but the cost of him one day going too far is much too high. Good luck.

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  28. If I were in your shoes. I would leave, not because you’re abandoning him, but you’re helping your kids.
    Sometimes space is required to heal, ponder, make decisions, and that’s the best way to help everyone out.
    Set boundaries on how you can be there for him. But he alone has to work it out spiritually, emotionally and physically. And you will have the same opportunity to do the same

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  29. After years of working in women’s shelters get out. He Need’s help not you. I do not want to hear of you being a statistic. You too need counseling contact your nearest women’s shelters and get counseling for you and your kids. They know more than you think. Good luck I wish you all the best

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  30. Please put your children first. Please be the mom they need. I know it’s hard. He doesn’t deserve you. They do. Put you and them first. Please take Care of you. It’s OK if you do. It is. It is.

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  31. If he was blacking out and hitting you and it is apparently out of his control then he would be blacking out and hitting others as well. If not
    Then he is full of it

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  32. You need to keep you and your children safe and maybe you need to involve police so he understands you a serious. Your children need their mom. I was one of the people that replied to him (or to one of the posts) with- You should let her express to you in all the emotions she has how what you did hurt her…. LISTEN, empathise, put yourself in her shoes. How would you feel. Then verbalised back to her what you heard. Stand up be a man and admit your wrong Express how sorry you are for what you did, with NO excuses. Asking her what she needs you to do and do it and continue to do. Perhaps counselling. Maybe you have some issues you yourself need to work on and that is causing relationship troubles. Hope things work out for you.

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  33. Lots of other people are thinking the same thing as me, the black outs are bull shit! He is an angry, violent man! I would never stay with him another minute. Because what will happen next?

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  34. I’m sitting here in shock by Awambeng Chris response. Hitting and abusing your wife is not a “Spiritual problem”. I believe in God, but the God I believe in would tell this women to run and run fast with her babies and never go back!!! Sure, she can cry to God, absolutely, but God put amazing people on this earth to help people like this STRONG woman posting. He put people on this earth that went to university for years so they can help people in a crisis like this. I don’t know what God you are talking about. What God would tell you to stay in a abusive marriage? What God would tell you to stay and let you children see that crap? The last thing a woman needs to hear when she is trying to decide to get out of an abusive marriage is the God would want her to stay and work it out. What a disgusting thing to say. She’s going through her own hell and doesn’t need to be guilted into anything, especially STAYING!! People like you terrify me. I wonder what you teach your kids and what they have to endure so that God will love them. Disgusting.

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    1. Marriage is for better or worse and sometimes one should try to fix it and turn to God. However, those vows also say to honor, abuse is not honoring anyone!! And by the sounds of it, she’s tried to make it work!! God wouldn’t expect someone to endure that!!

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  35. fairly certain I saw the post you refer to. BIG HUGS, and do what you need to do for you, for your kids, and if he wants things to change he will change them. I thought he did something else, but broken trust on this level is as bad if not worse than what i suspected. Take care of what you need to and I hope it works out for you.

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  36. has he ever been to a doctor about this .. have they scanned his brain .. there are reasons that they black out .. doctors can find this .. could be some kind of pressure on his brain somewhere …. call the doctor and see what he has to say about this … as it is not normal

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  37. Sorry if this sounds offensive. God cannot help her. If he could, he would already have done so. The for better or for worse crap does not extend to life threatening violence. You tried, and tried again. You did what you could. Your kids deserve a non violent home. You sound like a great Mom and very in tune with what needs to happen. To stay, or take him badk may be a death sentence.

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  38. A few years ago, on I believe was W5 but I won’t swear to it- I watched a program where the the husband showed the same symptoms. His marriage was hanging by a thread and the children were being alienated from him. By chance he found a doctor that did a thorough check up. I forget forget the name of the final diagnosis but the doctor found a medical not a psychological reason why this was happening to him. They found the right medication and the man went back to his old self. Ask your husband go for a thorough check up. And if the doctor can’t find anything, insist the doctor do more digging.

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  39. Her husband needs serious help and help she can no longer give she has children to think about and he hit her with a object and for better or worse are u kidding me she needs to get as far away with her children as she can from him before he does something worse. Awambeng Chris u have no idea what ur talking about u sure as hell don’t stay in a relationship when there is abuse give ur head a shake

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  40. You have tried…..and it’s not working! Abuse is never okay!! If he wants to get help and change…..good for him but he can do that when you’re not around! That is where the truth comes…..if u leave and he still seeks help, then he really wants to heal and not control u.

    Your responsibility is to your children and they cannot be raised in a home like that. They deserve to have the best of their parents……they can’t have the best of u in an environment like that! Be an advocate for ur kids and be very vigilant when it comes to him possibly trying to control u through your kids!! Don’t let him do that to ur kids and use them or say negative things to them or blame u to them!! It’s now about ur kids…..not u nor him!!

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  41. You do what you need to. Love isn’t always enough. You deserve to be treated better. Yes it sucks he needs help but that’s on him not you. Life is too short to be unhappy. Hugs

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  42. I hve few things can say. I knw anger is a terrible illness tht if cant be rooted cant be healed. I took a program years ago tht taught how to root problems nd surface them. Its a dangerous thing to do with out proper monitoring. The black outs ar caused by our bodies like maxing out. Like blackouts with alcohol. I wrote something about blackouts while ago cant remeber rightnow bt. Im gonna try explain it like this. Snapping on little things usually means they dont knw wht the big problem is. Is supressed. Its something they dont want to remeber or deal with. So they ar fighting to keep it from rembering. Bt the only way to heal it is to surface it. Its on like a cycle in their mind. Subconciously they want to heal it. Bt conciously. They dont. Frustration nd anger from tht is very scary. Ive heard about ppl getting so mad they jst see red. Then they dont remeber wht they did. It is alot of work to heal it nd surfacing sonething tht supressed can cause allot of emotions nd outburst. The program i took ws very expensive nd is run in austraila now. Id like too offer more help bt without proper facility nd monitoring. This sever of anger issue is out of my hands. You ar a brave women nd so strong. Jst knw this kind anger is not your fault. Im sorry its gotten so out of control.

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  43. the only thing I can think off for the “black out”, is the fit of rage. it’s common for people to forget what happened when they get very very angry. psychologist should know this since its what one told me after I had a incident that I didn’t remember. he should be on medicationm but he probably won’t agree to it.

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  44. Your making the decision. No one deserves to be hit!
    There are studies showing that children exposed to chronic domestic violence are just as much affected and suffer from PTSD as soldiers in war situations. You and your kids may need trauma therapy. Good luck. There are supports out there for you. Call 211, for a list of supports.

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